To _

Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory,
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.

Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the beloved's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.

My Mother died this year.
Monday was the first birthday I have had since she died.
It makes me sad to think that the person who brought me into this world is no longer in it.
My father is still alive, but I really did not know him until I was 18 and I have never felt any sort of bond with him.
My mother was there through it all...and now she is gone.
I miss her.

Atonement

Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it. - Jules Renard

I forgot that today and I apologize.

"It is ridiculous for any man to criticize the works of another if he has not distinguished himself by his own performances" -Joseph Addison

I know that I am taking this WAY too personally!
All day long it has bothered me.
I've done nothing all day but to think about how much I wanted to write the person and express how upset and hurt I was by his flippant comments.
I awoke this morning and followed my regular morning routine. Having a bit of extra time, I decided to visit a blog that I recently started frequenting. Upon arrival I noticed an entry in reference to an event that took place this weekend. It was a top ten list of glib observations from the event.
Part of me knows that it was written in jest and intended to be a clever blog entry to entertain his readers. If some of the statements had not directly pertained to me, I might have found it amusing. However, the more I looked at it and the more I thought about it, the more upset I became.
Mostly I'm surprised because last week the writer attended a party and wrote about how upset they were when someone spent the night attempting to trivialize what they do.

This post, arriving 10 hours later and after a full day of pondering, was going to be my response to the post I read.
I was going to start with the fact that I spent the last 10 months working a full time job, taking care of a wife and 2 daughters, struggling through my mother getting sicker and eventually dying and spending about 20-30 hours a week of my own personal time on the project.
It was that important to me.
I was going to say that in order for a writer to get better...they write. It does not matter what they write, just as long as they do so. That is why blogs are so popular amongst inspiring writers.
In the same vein, in order for a filmmaker to get better...they need to make films. Unless you attend film school, the opportunity to make a movie is not an easy one to come by. Techniques needed to complete a film can only be learned by actually doing them in conjunction with a project. The best thing a budding filmmaker can learn from a film is what mistakes he can correct then next time around. Believe me, every little error and Diet Pepsi bottle that was left in a scene during filming has been lamented and cursed at during every viewing of the film since. Only having 48 hours of location availability and at least 5 days of filming actually needed is a prime recipe for continuity errors.
That being said, I am surprised that there were not more errors in the film.
I was going to say that the inference that a filmmaker is knowingly copying a style is a bold one that should be backed up with cited examples. Tarantino did not create crime films and Mel Brooks did not create comedy. Each one took an existing genre and worked to shape it into something personalized.
Now, I'm certainly not looking for praise...I actually would prefer not to receive any for the film. I know it's faults and we've never claimed it to be a masterpiece.
We needed to make a film to get the technique down and we feel we've learned a great deal in the last 10 months.
I was going to say that I think he missed the entire point of the festival. It was not to brag and show off how great these films were but to celebrate the completion of something so that we can move on to the next one.

Now it's the end of the day and I sit down to write this post.
I'm tired and I've thought of nothing all day but how those damn niggling remarks made me feel this morning.
I know he was just trying to be clever and I took it way too personally.
I'm not mad anymore but I am upset...upset with myself for dwelling on the minutiae of it all.

A Better Son/Daughter

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them
-Rilo Kiley

Are you still there? Or have you moved away?

I shouldn't be bothered, but I am.
We were roommates for 3 years and have not seen each other for at least 5.
I moved away and started a new life, but I've been back to visit at least 3 times in the last 7 years.
She has not visited here once.
I've made a point to keep an email in her inbox at least three times a year and a phone call at least once a year.
I know it's not that she doesn't want to see me...we are like brother and sister and with siblings you can sense those sort of things.
But this weekend, I really wanted her here.
I've finally accomplished something that I am proud of and want to share with as many people whom I care about.
Granted, I love my children and family and want to show them off also, but this is something creative and personal.
Something that is a glimmer of what I wanted to be when she and I were roommates and I imagined my future.
And she will not be here to see it...

burst grin giggle bliss skip jump sing and shout

it's a perfect day for doing the unstuck
for dancing like you can't hear the beat
and you don't give a further thought
to things like feet
let's get happy!
-Doing The Unstuck
THE CURE

My little buttercup...

Tick. Tick. Tick.

A whole year?

"So, what have you been doing this year"
"Not much"

Wait...that's entirely wrong. I've been busier this year than any other year of my life.

I work 40 hours a week.

I spend about 20-30 hours a week completing various tasks vital to the production of independent films.

I have 5 and 6 year old daughters that constantly vie for my attention.

I have a TIVO bursting at the seams with shows that I want to watch.

I have a wife that deserves as much attention as I can direct towards her.

I have about 3-4 books that are waiting for me to open and read them.

I have so many things that fill my days, that sometimes, at the end of the day, I seem to forget that I did anything.